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Funniest Man Alive

As I think we can all agree, I'm pretty much one of the funniest people you've ever met. And if you are reading this blog, but don't know me personally, trust me--I'm funny. If you are reading this right now and thinking "He's not funny at all", that's just because you are mean and I was so funny in the past that you expect me to be even funnier now and when that doesn't happen you don't think I'm funny. Get it?
Anyway--I wanted to share one of my funnier momemts. The scene: outside a coffee shop in Boston. I was walking with my friends and I told them I was going to pull a stunt. Props needed: Mentos.

So I started walking in front of this coffee shop full of people who had an unobstructed view of what was going to happen next. I then intentionally tripped and flew threw the air, crashing to the ground in pain...But wait!!

In case any of you were worried, I hopped up and pulled some Mentos out of my pocket, turned to the people inside the windows, and let them know that all was okay......I got a few of these looks from people inside, but others were busting up. This was back in the day when Mentos commercials were as frequent as Viagra's are today.

Winning isn't everything-it sucks!

Everybody likes hearing "You won", right? Yeah I've always liked it too--before yesterday, that is. See, yesterday, the "You won" wasn't music to my ears, or cheesecake to my mouth, or a gamecube joystick to my fingertips. It was more like sandpaper to my cheek, a rusty nail to my foot, or Eclipse to my ears. Painful. I received an email stating "You Won eBay Item:Men's Rogaine Foam 3 Months 5% Minoxidil NEW IN BOX (150217410320)".
Ladies and gentlemen, I am going bald. And up to this point I have been in denial. Yesterday, upon clicking the "Buy It Now" button, I officially admitted I have a problem. Hair has never been my best friend. I was what many would call a late bloomer. I got hair on my legs during my mission I think and my armpits are just now filling in. Meanwhile, in 5th grade I had classmates who would shave their backs and give the hair to charity so they could make whigs. I mean, what would it be like to be this guys. I bet he got all the chics. Sorry for the graphic image.


My only hope is that I will some day be able to grow a beard in case this Rogaine Foam doesn't work. I could us it as a comb over and I think it would look pretty sweet. Case and point. Look at this dude. That rocks.
All I have to say is--it's on! I am not losing my gorgeous, silky smooth, red hair. It's all I've got. Some people get the looks, some get the muscles, some get the smarts, some get the athletic prowess, and then some get the red hair. Please, don't take that away from me. What would I do if I were a 6'2", 140 lb, white freckled, careerless, frowny, Bostonian with no hair? Now, I don't mean to say that bald people are ugly because I think some people look better without hair. I am not one of them. I need my hair.

Celebrity Sighting

For those of you who don't know, this is my friend Lee Redmond. I ran into her at Rite Aid yesterday. She holds the Guiness world record for longest nails and is going to Spain next week to compete again. In my overexcitement (how often do you meet a celebrity at Rite Aid??) I might have shaken her hand a little to hard.

By the way, I watched this lady try to open her back door, and put her bags in the back seat, then open her front door, and put her purse down, then get her keys.....it took for...ev...er. All I have to say, is that I am glad she wasn't my mother. Imagine having HER change your diaper??? Eeesh.

I want to be fat

So, this is a picture of me when I was 9. Do you see how happy I was? I wore that same shirt yesterday and it covers me completely. Back then, it would only cover my belly button. I should have never gone on that stupid Biggest Loser show. Anyway, I just think fat people are happier. Excuse the terminology...maybe I shouldn't say fat-how about gravitationally challenged....anyway......My point is, back then I smiled, I had pecs, and rolls, and dimples. Now, I don't smile, I have no pecs, no rolls, and no dimples. I think I will resort to what Homer Simpson did. (by the way, he looks very happy too)
Homer stuffed himself until he was so fat that he got to stay home and work from the confines of his own home. (I think he even collected a disablility check.) So, in lieu of the fact that I was much happier as a child being fat, and Homer is happier in his one piece dress, and thanks to all the motivation I have received from family and friends who have set New Years resolutions, I hereby announce my newly adjusted resolution. Drumstick please, I mean, drum roll please......My goal for 2007 is to average 1 treat per hour. A treat is defined as something that has lots of sugar and chocolate/caramel/nouget. Obviously there will be times when I can't eat a treat every hour, like when I am fasting or sleeping, so I have decided to go with an average so I can double up when I am awake.

Please do your best to support me. Throw me a twinkie, talk about chocolate, buy me chocolate, whatever you can do. Again, thanks to all of you who have set the example. I can't wait for the day when I can come home from work, plop down in front of the TV, pop open a can of root beer, unbutton the top button on my pants, and chomped down on some ho-ho's. (I've always wanted to get to the point where I had to unbutton the top button of my pants when I sit down)