Things I Learned When My Wife Left Me


Okay, so my wife left me. Well, not permanently, but for the weekend. It was a chance to relearn some of the lessons that dads need to be reminded of every now and then. The purpose of this post is for women and mothers everywhere to sit back and say “I told you so”, all the while realizing that your husbands could not make it without you. So here are some things I learned while Gina was gone this weekend.
1. No matter how many times I want to try, and Evan wants to ask, he is not ready to pee in a urinal. Just picture this, me, Kamri, Sara and Evan in the bathroom at Wendy’s…I am holding Kamri, trying to make sure she doesn’t put her hand in the toilet (more on that later) and trying to help Evan aim in the right spot. What happened? Well, go outside right now, stand 8 inches in front of a cement wall, and turn your hose on full blast. And when I say full blast, I mean it. We don’t call Evan “Rocketman” for nothing. Let me know if you get a little wet. I think half the pee stayed in the toilet, and the other half got absorbed by Evan’s batman hoodie. (Haven’t told Gina about this yet-better make sure that gets put in the wash.)
2. Picnics are not for single dads. Getting ready for a picnic takes more than 15 minutes. Don’t put pringles in the same bag as the sandwich, they get soggy. Sun screen is a nice thing to have, I didn’t.
3. All of the sudden, I hear Sara scream “Kamri, out of the bathroom!”. And Kamri being the perfect little angel that she is, obediently leaves the bathroom and walks into the living room and knocks me on the head with her hand….her wet hand. She had put her hand in the toilet….again. I took her to the bathroom and washed her hands and then took a look into the unflushed toilet that was full of numbers 1 & 2. Sara forgot to flush. Nasty!
4. Taking a shower while your 3 kids are awake is a risk. No accidents ocurred, but the whole time I was in the shower I could just picture Kamri rolling down the flight of stairs.
5. It would be so much easier to be able to just leave the kids in the car. I mean, I just had to make a few copies at Kinkos and the windows are huge, so I’d be able to see them…but Sara wouldn’t let me and I wouldn’t let myself.
6. Evan is very proud of his manhood. I got to Ty’s house on Friday after work and was informed by 5 of the 6 jumpers on the trampoline that Evan had been showing off his wee-wee, “like ten times”. Apparently Ty dealt with it but in talking with Evan he had this smirk on his face like he thought he was boss, so I told him something I shouldn’t have….and I have a bad habit of doing this. I told him if he showed his wee-wee again I would cut it off. He knew I was kidding. I’m such a horrible dad. Please don’t report me.

 

7. I like sleeping in a bed by myself because I don’t get covers or bed surface area taken away from me. But I will sacrifice those things to have the most beautiful and talented woman in the world lay beside me at night.
8. I loaded all the kids into the car for church and was very proud of myself. They were all dressed, all of their clothing matched (socks w/ shirts, pants w/shoes), and they were all happy….and we were even going to be on time. But then I saw their hair!! Sara’s was everywhere, Kamri’s was out of control, and Evan required the spit and pat method to get his hair from sticking up, but I didn’t have time to do that. Oh, and upon closer review, Kamri had a lip and nose covered in snot and Evan had syrup and yogurt all over his face. I tried.
That’s enough for now, you get the picture. Some guys might be able to pull it off like this dude, but I’m not one of them.

Terry and Blake Bytheway

 

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9 Responses

  1. I’m glad to hear you showered!

  2. Great posting Ben!!! I’ll make sure to take notes so that I won’t make the same mistakes.

  3. M & M Smith says:

    a good wednesday morning laugh… thank you!

  4. Jeremy says:

    Man, Life sure was hard for me this weekend without my wife too. I Played video games and went golfing.

  5. Elisa says:

    in regards to #5: at least one day a week I think to myself,’every store and business needs to have a drive up window.’ One of the things I dread the most is if I HAVE to go out and run an errand in the middle of the day for some reason…for the most part I’m pretty well prepared and ready so that I don’t have to do this, but every once and awhile there’s an emergency and It’s one against three

  6. Trista says:

    #3 is my favorite!

  7. Nimmy Mae says:

    the high heels are a lot harder than you imagined eh?

  8. Gina says:

    Sounds like you had fun!!! Happy to hear I’m appreciated. <BR/><BR/><BR/>Oh yeah, I told you so!!!

  9. Loved the stories! There was something else I wanted to say but I don’t remember.

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