GLENN: I’ve got to tell you something. I said on the program a couple of weeks ago, you know, that nobody hates the environment. I’ve been thinking about that. I think we should hate the environment. I’m changing my stance on hating the environment. I mean, I think it’s a cop — “I don’t hate the environment, nobody hates the…” that’s a copout. I know it’s the popular viewpoint. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this. Don’t worry about what happens to the environment. It doesn’t worry about what happens to you, does it? Think about it. Hurricanes? Part of the environment. They roll in. What’s the environment’s role? It creates the hurricanes! Does it give somebody, you know, some place to hide? No. Only human-made buildings, strong buildings protect us from the environment’s brutal attempted murder. There, I said it. I’m not for environmental murders. In fact, nature only provides us with trees which basically lure humans to stand under them and then it provides lightning to kill us underneath the tree. Now that humans can do a good job, you know, predicting hurricanes, what does the cute little warm and fuzzy squeezably soft environment do? It unleashes 200 mile an hour winds in the form of tornadoes instead. So focused and so instant that you can’t even predict them. Oh, yeah, that sounds like something I want to predict. Oh, yeah, the ones that just suck up my whole family in Nebraska last year, that was great. I just love that environment. It lures us to our coastlines. “Come, come to the coastline.” We build our most important and expensive buildings only so the environment can cause flooding and beach erosion, stealing millions of dollars from honest citizens like you. “Come to the coastline.” The environment could provide temperatures that are mild and consistent. Oh, no, no, no, but that’s not the style, oh, no. The environment isn’t all that way. Why not instead give us three months where it’s zero and six months later make it 90 or 110 with 100% humidity, that way we waste money on insulation and two sets of clothing that we have to cart upstairs and then back downstairs twice a year! I hate the environment.
Do you like to visit the forest? “Yeah, I love the forest, Glenn. Who doesn’t love forests? Oh, they’re great.” Yeah, that’s when I used to think until I saw… who hides in forests? Bears, killer bears. Bears, part of the environment. More than happy to rip your torso from your extremities without a second thought. “Gee, I don’t know, maybe we should have a cap in trade on these humans there, Bill. You’ve already ripped four apart.” No, they don’t do that! The innocent little environment. Giving us snakes, hairy rats, crunchy cockroaches. These are the facts on the environment.
Environmentalists will tell us, “The most important thing we can do is stop using oil.” Well, really? If these true, I propose immediate sanctions on the environment for creating oil in the first place. I didn’t create it. I just pumped it out of the ground! It’s the environment’s effects on dinosaurs, former members of the environment murdered by the environment which create oil in the first place. Leave Exxon alone. Find mother nature until she’s broke. You know what? Someday they will be pumping us out of the ground if mother nature has her way. And then giant thinking cockroaches, some professor cockroach will say, “I don’t know. We shouldn’t pump those ex-people out of the ground. It’s bad for the environment.” And then nature will come and kill the cockroaches!
Wildfires. They’re wild to you and me. Part of the status quo to that oh, so innocent environment. Does the environment care if it burns down your house? Nope. Burns whatever it wants. How about volume contain owes? Does the environment care when it soaks an entire community in molten rock? Nope, uh-uh. Doesn’t go to bed at night going, gee, I don’t know, I think that might have been a mistake.” Plus, when a volcano blows, it dumps gigantic amounts of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere. Does it have a cap in trade on its eruptions? No! Totally unregulated! Was it man who created all the diseases that have wiped out millions? The plague. No, it was natural. I guess we could just accept the whole wiping out 1/3 of the human race thing. Sorry, don’t need another Holocaust but thanks for chiming in, nature. And while I’m at it, thanks for making Antarctica completely uninhabitable. It’s not like we need more land or more resources. Don’t worry about all the people starving up here. You know, don’t worry about. Just cover the whole continent in ice. Why don’t you do that. Who needs it? Just ice. And penguins, birds that don’t fly and you can eat! Thank you. No, I appreciate it. Let me tell you something. Thank God for us people who are supposedly melting that pointless piece of ice so someone can put the land to good news. No thanks to you, Mr. Environment.
(This was possibly one of the funniest things I have ever heard. If you get a chance, try and find the clipe of Beck actually saying this–he does a great job of overdoing it!)